Payback
by Victorious-Mind
Summary: Three-Shot. After Colonel Mustang cuts Ed's research budget to fix a house that was damaged during a mission, Edward's pissed. He decides to play a practical joke on Roy. So he dresses up like a lady and calls him on a date... ABSOLUTELY NON-YAOI! Rated T for language and mature themes. Implied Royai.
1. Part 1: Set-Up

A/N: MWAHAAHAHA! I, Victorious-Mind, am back with vengeance! Now, here I have a three-shot, evil, funny story where Ed will suffer Roy Mustang! AAHAHAHA *tries to restrain evil laughs* Also, you could look at this story as a mock yaoi Roy/Ed. HAHA. I'm sorry to all those out there who like Roy/Ed. xD  
It will be awesome and I hope you'll enjoy it! (YOU BETTER OR I'LL…*psycho theme on the background* 8D)  
ENJOYYY!

* * *

Part 1: Set-Up

Ed slammed his hand on Mustang's desk, the automail hand emitting a loud noise under the glove. "What do you mean you have to take money from my research account? What the hell did I do?" he yelled, an angry scowl making across his cherubic face.

Roy met his hands, his fingers finding the crooks in his other hand while his elbows rested on his desk in a straight angle. He smirked, knowing how much it annoyed the young man in front of him. "You damaged a house in Xenotime when you caught that thief." The words easily slipped through his mouth as if practiced beforehand.

Edward removed his hands from the dark brown desk only to cross them. "Oh, so you wait till I come back to tell me. What kept you from calling me and telling me to fix it with alchemy? You know it would only take five seconds but NO, you waited till I came back, gave in the report and woke me from my much needed sleep." He finished sarcastically, doing anything in his power to make sure his superior understood that he was the one at fault.

Roy scowled, the smirk he had a while ago gone as his hands dropped onto the desk. He had forgotten, his mind had been full of other things. The mayor had called him right BEFORE the Elrics left, telling him what happened. Roy could have called the inn and informed Edward about the damage. But he had a date and he wouldn't want to keep the girl waiting. So he had pushed the idea in the back of his mind and had quickly forgotten about it.

Even though he knew Ed was correct, he leaned in, a desperate attempt to make the boy feel that he was wrong. "You should have payed more attention to what you were doing, Fullmetal. Why should I call you, reminding you what you did? It's your responsibility."

Ed lifted his eyebrows, his sarcasm growing with each word that came out of his mouth. "Oh, sorry me! I was busy catching a thief that was going to hurt innocent people that I didn't notice I damaged a structure that was deserted and didn't shelter anything that contained life in them! But of course, you must have been sitting here in your office, thinking of ways to piss me off. And look! You succeeded."

Roy sighed, his patient wearing thin. He cleared his throat and spoke in a stern voice. "Look Ed, I can't do anything about this situation and neither can you. I'll have to withdraw that money from your research account."

All the sarcasm disappeared from Edward's face replaced by an angry scorn. "Oh, so that's what it's going to be, huh? I bet you were busy with some girl, weren't you? FINE!"

Roy froze, mouth slightly open at Ed's accusation. He'd hit it right on the mark, and without waiting for a response, Ed turned around and stomped off, leaving the rest of Roy's crew staring.

The door slammed and Havoc turned towards his superior with a wary expression on his face "Sir, maybe you shouldn't have done that."

Breda nodded, slightly horrified.

Roy raised his eyebrows. "It'll barely make a difference. And it's not my fault anyway."

Havoc exchanged glanced with the rest of his comrades, each one of them giving him the same expression.

"What's got you so excited?" Mustang asked, slightly puzzled at the sudden change of behavior oh his subordinates. Each one of them bowed their heads, pretending to be staring at the paperwork in front of them.

Lieutenant Hawkeye shrugged, but even she didn't utter a word about the little evil smile Ed had on his face just before he left the room.

* * *

"What's wrong, brother?" The question came out as soon as Ed exited the room. Alphonse stared at his older brother who had his hands clenched at his sides, as the door behind him closed loudly.

"That bastard said he's going to take money from my research account because I damaged an inhabited house on the last mission."

Alphonse would shot Ed a quizzed look if he could. "But that happened four days ago."

Edward began walking down the corridors quietly, a loud whisper coming from his mouth. "I know! He could have called me before he left! But he was oh so busy!" he mocked, a few officers throwing him confused looks. "I bet he was on a date." He pushed open the door, not even looking back at his brother.

"Come on brother, you can't make accusations like that." He said, trying to sound convincing.

"No, it showed all over his face. And he didn't even respond when I confronted him about it. But he'll get what's coming to him. I know exactly what to do." Ed turned around, eyes glinting as well as his teeth.

Al buried his face in his hands. "But you can't just do something to him. I mean he IS your superior."

If Ed had already set his mind on something that he'd definitely do it. No one could stop it. And Alphonse knew that light in his older brother's eyes when he saw it.

"Oh but I will." Ed said slowly and threateningly. "And he can't do anything to me. It's just a practical joke. Harmless fun. He'll regret this." He turned to Al. "I'll explain it on the way."

And with that, he turned on his heel, hands in pockets and he smiled. Alphonse sighed, hoping whatever Ed planned wouldn't end with him being court-martialed.

* * *

Riza Hawkeye bent down and poured dog food into the bowl that read Hayate in the front. She snapped her fingers and her dog came running. Standing back up, she put the rest of the box on the counter and headed inside.

The phone suddenly began ringing around the room loudly. She picked it up at the third ring, answering it with a quiet hello. She lifted her eyebrows, sounding surprised. "Edward? What do you need?" she asked, wondering if the young alchemist's call had anything to do with the smile he had before he left the office.

Apparently there was.

"Make-up? What do you need make-up for?" The answer "payback" couldn't help but bring a smile to her lips. She answered the question with no regret, seeing where this was going. "Well, the Colonel went to Madame Christmas's bar a few nights ago and he had a hangover in the morning so I suppose he got pretty drunk that day."

A loud "Great!" emitted from the phone, causing Riza to pull the phone away from her ear.

"Spit it out, Edward, what's you plan?"

As Ed slowly laid out his thought, Hawkeye put her hand on her mouth, trying not to laugh. "Alright, I'll help you. Just make sure the Colonel won't turn you into a pile of ashes."

She could almost hear Ed grinning in the other end as he answered.

"_He won't be able to…"_

* * *

_2 days later…_

Colonel Roy Mustang twisted the pencil in his hand, doing his paperwork very slowly. He couldn't help but feel that someone was staring at him. Though every time he raised his head, there didn't seem to be anyone watching. He bowed his head again, pretending to be looking at his paperwork. But his eyes remained on his subordinates.

And he saw it.

"Lieutenant Havoc?" he asked sternly, getting everyone's attention at once. Havoc dropped the pen in his hand and sat up, looking at him with an innocent look on his face.

"Yes, sir?"

Roy tapped the desk with the back of his pen. He suddenly realized that the rest of his subordinated had also raised their heads, making him feel a little uncomfortable. "Is there a reason you're staring at me as if you're expecting something?"

"No, sir." He replied, desperately trying to sound honest.

"Then why-"

He was cut short as the phone beside him began running in an annoying manner. He stared at it for a couple of seconds before picking it up and bringing it to his ear. "Hello, Colonel Mustang speaking."

"_Hello __**Roy**__. It's me, Erica." _A soothing nice voice of a woman boomed in his ear.

Roy blinked rapidly, wondering if he heard correctly.

"E-Erica?" he asked.

"_Don't tell me you've forgotten about our little date tonight at six. You were going to pick me up from Madame Christmas's. That's where we met, remember?"_

The seducing tone in the woman's voice caused his brain to stop working. He tried to remember. When was the last time he'd went to that bar? It must have been a few nights ago. Had he really gotten that drunk? He remembered gobbling up champagne like water but had he really asked a girl out? The name Erica didn't ring any bells in his head. Oh well, curse alcohol for lousy memory. But if this girl called him, then he wasn't going to let this chance get away. And it would be so rude, turning a lady down when he asked her out.

"Of course, Erica. I'm going to be there." He answered, hoping his voice sounded sure.

"_Thank you __**Roy**__. I'm sorry I called you at work. You must have been pretty busy. You're a Colonel after all."_

Roy put his hand on his forehead. As if asking her out wasn't enough, he'd told her about his job as well. At least she didn't care.

"It's okay, I wasn't really doing anything."

"_Alright then. See you this evening, __**Roy.**__"_

The dial tone came on, but Mustang continued to hold the phone to his ear. He had a date tonight with a woman he didn't remember. But he would leave a good impression. It was fine If he didn't remember her. It didn't really matter anyway.

"Ooh! The boss has a date!"

"Her name's Erica, huh?"

"If only we were that lucky…"

"Where did you guys meet?"

Roy slammed the phone onto the receiver. "Back to you work!" he yelled.

Havoc gave Hawkeye a little smile that she returned and Roy couldn't help but wonder if this is what his crew was waiting for all along.

* * *

"Damn, these contacts are hurting my eyes!" Ed yelled as he knelt in front of the mirror, blinking rapidly.

"You're the one who wanted to put them in the first place." His little brother's voice came behind the bathroom door.

Ed twisted his lip, ignoring the annoying sensation in his eye as he turned to talk to his brother even though he knew Al couldn't see him behind the door. "Well, Alphonse. Tell me how many people do you know who has golden-colored eyes?"

There was a little silence.

"Uh…three?"

"Exactly. Now list them."

Alphonse nodded, now seeing what Ed meant. "You, me and dad."

"And the chance of that bastard, you or _ME_ going out on a date with the Colonel Bastard is?"

"Zero." Al sighed, slightly annoyed at the fact that his older brother had called their father a bastard again. He wondered if Ed would ever forgive him.

The bathroom door opened and Al scooted away, trying not to get hit by the door.

"So, how does it look?" he asked, watery eyes wide open and slightly red.

Al have him thumbs-up. "Even though I don't completely agree with this, you could have been Winry's sister. Though her hair would look bleached next to yours."

Ed grinned, excitement running through his veins. "I only got the first step done though. The Colonel won't realize it's me without golden eyes but I still have to look like a girl." Ed replied, taking his black leather pants and staring at it questioningly. "Nah…" He tied his hair in a rough ponytail and stared at the moonlight blue dress he'd bought at the mall. "At least it's below my knees." He mumbled.

"Remember brother, I'm not in this." Al said, reminding once again that he didn't want to face Colonel Mustang's wrath.

Ed laughed, much to Alphonse's surprise. "Of course not, Al. I'm the one who's going on the date. You're going to sit back over here and be a spectator…er…listener like everyone else."

Al took a step back, eyes wide open if he could. "Wh-What do you mean everyone else? Or listener?"

Ed adjusted the long sleeved dress on himself and buckled the fancy black belt. "I mean that Lieutenant Hawkeye, Havoc, Fuery, Breda, Falman, and of course Mr. Hughes will be here soon. And by listener…Hehe…" Ed snickered. He began walking around the room, trying to adjust to the tightness of the dress. "How do women wear these things?"

Alphonse froze, watching his brother exercise around the room. Edward seemed to have planned something for them to know what was going on. He really had everything planned out and was going to attack the Colonel full-force. But he couldn't help but feel amused at the sight of Edward trying to act girly.

"Okay, I'm used to this dress and contacts." Ed said to particularly no one, admiring himself in front of the mirror. "The shopkeeper looked at me weirdly when I bought all these stuff." He chuckled.

"What about your arm?"

Ed stared at his right automail hand. "Oh, that isn't a problem. I'm going to wear gloves."

"But-"

"Black gloves, Al. Black leather gloves. Can't let him realize it's me. If you really want to know, I'm kinda going to dress up like Lust."

He rapidly picked up a bag from the counter and entered the bathroom, almost running. He locked the door before Al could follow him in.

"Brother!" Al said, knocking on the door.

"I'll let you see when I'm done."

"No, fair!" Al protested as he went inside and sat on the sofa. He currently found himself imagining his brother's girl form as the sound of water running reached him from the bathroom.

* * *

Edward watched himself in the mirror with an amused expression on his face. The dark blue dress fitted him nicely and made his legs look skinny despite the automail. He had considered wearing a miniskirt, knowing how much Mustang liked them, but he couldn't let his automail be seen. Even if he put something over his automail to make it look like skin, it would still look too bulky. He was glad that at least the dress hadn't revealed his automail. And after he put on the boots, it would be perfectly camouflaged.

The dress was long-sleeved, but the muscles on his arm made it look weird. Well that wouldn't be a problem since he would wear a leather jacket on top.

Ed stared at the boots on the counter, wondering if he should wear them first to get used to it, or risk getting his feet tired. But the first won over the latter and he slipped them on.

Just as he took the first step, Ed tumbled to the ground, emitting a loud noise. An "Ow!" left his mouth as his knee collided with the ground. As he hoisted himself up, he could hear the clanking noises from the armor of his brother.

"You okay, Ed?

"Yeah, just slipped."

"Okay."

Suddenly, Ed had grown about five centimeters. He looked around and then the mirror, admiring the difference in his height thanks to the heels.

"I'm…I'm tall… And the boots don't even feel heavy. I'm so going to do that to my own shoes." Ed considered. Of course, it wouldn't be just the heels, it would be the whole foot.

He grabbed the thin rubber mask from the bag he'd brought and slowly stuck it to his face. It already made him look like a woman - thanks to his transmutation skills - even though he hadn't put on any make-up yet. He smiled, frowned and lifted his eyebrows up and down. Thankfully, there were no creases on his face and it looked just like a normal face. He gave a sigh of relief as he went over to the make-up bag he'd borrowed from Lieutenant Hawkeye.

First he applied the foundation which seemed to be an easy task since all he had to do was rub it to his face. Then he added some powder on top of it just like Hawkeye told him to do. He picked up the eyeliner and brought it to his eyes. This was not going to be easy. His hand was shaking all the time.

He had to put it on and remove it for fifteen minutes before he got it correctly but it had finally become perfect. Though his eyes still looked slightly red due to him poking his eyeball constantly with the pencil in his hand.

How did women even manage to put these things on?

His eyes were already uncomfortable enough and he still had to apply mascara and eye shadow. At least putting on those two weren't hard as the first one. He put a bit of blush on his cheeks and took out the lipstick. He stared at it for a while, wondering if it was meant to look like a crayon. He knelt in front of the mirror and carefully applied it.

"Sticky…" Ed mumbled as he applied the gloss on top. "Girls…"

He tried to talk without licking his lips. They felt so dry and sticky, it was almost impossible.

He looked at himself in the mirror once again. With that makeup on his face, anyone would say he was a beautiful woman. Now he had o work on his hair though. His bangs were familiar with everyone so he'd have to do something about that.

"Hey Al, did Mustang ever see me with my hair down?"

"No."

"Good." Ed let his hair go and examined it in front of the mirror. Should he change the color?

_Nah_, he thought. _At least I should keep a part of myself._

Though after brushing and teasing his hair (He had asked Winry how to do it.) he applied hairspray and clipped his bangs on the back of his head. This way, they didn't hand down his face.

He was nearly almost done as he applied a little bit of glitter in his hair, stuck little round pillow under his dress to form breasts and wore a black leather jacket that were a bit above his hips. Finally, he put on clip-on earrings in the form of stars (Those things were so annoying!) and a red scarf he transmuted himself to hide his automail scars on his collarbone.

He walked up and down the bathroom, already used to the high-heels and clothes. The only problem he had was the make-up. Oh well, he just had to bear with it.

"Hello?" he said to himself. He cleared his throat, ridding the spittle from his throat. "Hello?" he tried again, using the gentle womany voice he used on the phones. Alright, he was done. He unlocked the door and slowly made his way inside where his brother was waiting patiently. His heels made loud noises on the wooden floor as he crossed his arms and smiled as he faced Alphonse. "Hey, Al." he said dreamily, twirling his hair (Winry had told him to, and had also wondered why he would ask such questions.).

"B…brother? Is that you?"

Ed held his gloved hand out in a gesture. "My name is Erica. You must be Edward's brother Alphonse. Nice to meet you."

Al seemed to be frozen in shock. "You…you look stunning… How did you…Wow." He stuttered.

Ed laughed, happy to have done a great job. "I'm almost as tall as that bastard now! Woohoo! So uhh, do I look manly in any way?"

Al knelt down and examined his brother's face, giggling as he looked at the eye make-up. "No, you're perfect, _Erica_."

Ed gave him thumbs up as the bell rang. "I'll go get it." He said, walking slowly due to the heels.

As the door opened, he was greeted by Roy's crew and Mr. Hughes.

Havoc gave a long whistle and took Edward's gloved hand. "Hello beautiful lady, my name is Jean." The rest of the boys - except for Hughes of course, he's married - also began staring at Edward with a dreamy expression on their face.

Hawkeye immediately began laughing as the rest of the boys awkwardly stared at her. Ed winked. "Welcome." He said with the lady tone. "Lieutenant Hawkeye, Havoc, Fuery, Falman, Breda and Mr. Hughes." He added with his normal voice.

The crew was dumbstruck except for Riza Hawkeye.

"C-Chief?"

"Ed?"

Hughes pushed the stunned men in and closed the door. "Hey, Ed, you look dashing. Can I take a pic?" he waved the camera in front of his face.

"Not now. You can when I come back with Mustang."

Havoc was frozen, jaw open and eyes wide as he continued to stare at Edward's disguised form. He slowly swallowed while glancing at Ed's hair. "Riza told me that you were going to…but I never thought… You're going on a date…with Roy?" he whispered like it was a bad thing.

Hawkeye sat on the couch and waved the rest of the crew to sit back and relax.

"Yeah," Ed responded like it was totally obvious.

"He'll fall in love with you immediately and stare at you stupidly like Havoc." Breda pointed out, squinting his eyes at Jean.

Jean went red in the face and stood up. "But I didn't know it was him! He looked exactly like a girl! He even had the seducing voice, it's not my fault!"

The crowd laughed while Ed clipped a little device in the inside of his leather jacket. "I called you here because I wanted you to be in the fun too."

"What?" Falman asked, a scared expression on his face.

"Edward, I already told you I-" Hawkeye started.

"No, no." Ed interrupted. "This device will let you listen to me and _**Roy's**_ conversation."

Hughes threw his arms around Edward. "Thanks kiddo! We're going to enjoy this! You really got everything planned, didn't you? You're flawless! Roy will be totally fooled!"

Ed switched to the dreamy look and the womany voice. "Yees, I have… He won't know what hit him. I'll bring him here at the end our "date". Just promise me you'll take a picture of his face when he figures it out."

Hughes grinned wickedly.

"You can count on me."

* * *

A/N: AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHA! *laughs and laugh and laughs* I love Fanfiction! Tell me you enjoyed that! You will die of laughter the next episode. Because it will be **THE DATE!**

Also guys, if you liked my story Replacement Father, then I'm writing another long-shot Parental!RoyEd. It will be called When Trust Is Lost. And yes, there will be lot of suffering for Ed (which you guys like) so yeah I'll recommend it… or I'll PM you when I put it up. :D

TUNE IN! THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL COME OUT SOON!


	2. Part 2: Action

A/N: MWAHAHHAHA! You all know what's coming! Oooh, I'm so diabolical it hurts! Xd ALL HAIL EDWARD! I'm sorry for updating a bit late. I was busy writing my new long shot fanfic which will be like Replacement Father –if not better. So yeah. I'm getting really great at writing now. I look back at my old fics and want to delete them because they suck. Yeah. So don't read the first four stories I wrote. THEY'RE HORIFFYING! Anyways on we go…*laughs psychopathically*  
ENJOY!

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Part 2

Action

Roy Mustang waited outside in front of Madame Christmas's bar and walked up and down. Who was this girl? Erica… If he only remembered... He looked at his watch again. It was 6:05. As his eyes examined the streets, he caught long shining blond hair that stood out in the dark of the night. The woman had a beautiful face, and her hair looked golden. She was probably as tall as him, judging from far away. As she got closer, he could see that she had blue eyes. So this was the woman named Erica he'd spoken on the phone. No, he still didn't recognize her. But she was hot and that was the important thing. The girl ran the last few meters and grabbed his arm. "Oh _**Roy**_, I've missed you so much! I'm glad you're here." She said, hanging on to his elbow.

Roy froze, mesmerized by her beauty. "O-of course. You look like an angel, Erica." Roy said, putting on one of his seducing smiles. "Your hair's shine could be seen from two blocks away."

Ed smiled, knowing that the Colonel had taken the bait. He gripped his arm harder and continued on with his Erica role. "Thank you. So where are we eating?"

"Y-yeah. There's a restaurant a few block away…" Roy stuttered.

Ed bit the inside of his tongue to keep himself from laughing out loud. He hoped the crew in his house was having as much as fun as he was. He cleared his throat again. "My, the weather is pretty cold, isn't it? I should have put on something warmer." He said, twisting his lip cutely, hoping the Colonel would understand. Just as he suspected, Roy brought his hand around Ed's shoulders and pulled him close. As he got closer, he could smell the cologne he'd put on.

Ed smiled sweetly again, examining the hair that Roy had combed backwards, the usual bangs gone from where they used to be.

"I'll make you warm." Roy said as he smirked at him, running his hand up and down Ed's back, not knowing what the little alchemist has planned for him later.

Five minutes later, they had arrived at the expensive restaurant. They took their places near the window and gave their orders. "Aren't you going to take off your jacket?" Roy asked.

"Oh, I'm still cold but I guess I'll open up a bit." Ed responded as he unzipped his jacket, revealing the moonlight blue dress under it. He noticed that the Colonel's eyes immediately fell on his "breasts" and he hardly kept himself from laughing. After a while, he leaned in and began twirling his hair. "So _**Roy**_, why don't you tell me a bit about your job? Is being a Colonel hard?" he raised his eyebrows just like he saw the lady at the supermarket do.

Roy stayed frozen, watching Erica twirl her hair with her black gloved fingers. Her breast rested on the table as well as her elbow. She was watching him intensely and Roy felt that he was a victim to a hungry predator. But he was determined not to show it. "Yes, I have plenty of paper work… They don't send me on many missions ever since I became a Colonel so that's a bonus."

"Oh…" Ed said dreamily. "Anything going on between you and Riza?" he asked, hoping the Lieutenant wouldn't murder him for that question.

Roy felt his face grew slightly hot. "N-No, of course not. She's just a c-comrade."

Ed nodded his head just as the meal was brought. "You two are pretty close aren't you?" Ed added, crossing his legs, the heels of his boots touching the supporting column of the table.

"I assure you, there's nothing. I wouldn't leave you even if they gave me the worlds."

Ed/Erica laughed and stuck a piece of roast beef in his mouth. "Stop that _**Roy**_, you're making me blush." He continued. "Come on, you should eat before your food gets cold."

Mustang blinked a few times, trying to take his eyes off Erica which seemed to be a difficult task. "Right, I was mesmerized by your beauty to notice the food. I could stare at you all day and never get bored."

Ed simply flapped his eyelashes, the heavy make-up on his eyes standing out in the light, making his Erica disguise look more beautiful than it already was.

* * *

Meanwhile, at Ed and Al's dorm, the crew was laughing as if they were being tickled. Havoc had fallen on the floor when he heard Roy complimenting "_Erica_" or Edward. Lieutenant Hawkeye's mouth formed a little "o" when she heard Ed ask the Colonel if there was anything going on between them. Alphonse sighed and stared at the ground but couldn't help but giggle every time he heard them talked. Hughes barely stopped laughing, already planning to recount the story to his wife. Though they were all having fun, they hoped they wouldn't end up being burnt in the end.

* * *

"_**Roy**_, do you mind if I take a look at your ignition gloves? Also, it was a very sweet thing you did, lighting up those candles. It's _very romantic._" Ed recounted dreamily, staring into the Colonel's eyes through the contacts as he popped a piece of grape into his mouth.

"Sure, Erica. Anything for you." Roy said, passing his ignition gloves to Ed. Edward stared at them and then lifted his gaze to look back into the Colonel's eyes. "The Fullmetal Alchemist is working under your command, right?" he asked.

"Yes." Roy responded nonchalantly, sipping his wine. Even though Ed was underage, he could still take a bit of alcohol and his head wasn't drowsy yet.

"I heard he's a prodigy. They call him The Hero of the People. What do you think?"

Roy smirked and held Ed/Erica's hand as they waited for the desert to come. "He's really determined. Never lets me down. He always completes his missions and helps people. He's a great kid to have on your side."

Ed smiled widely, this time not faking. "I heard he gets easily angry when teased about his height? Is that true, do you tease him too?"

"Well…a bit…"

_A bit? Really Mustang?_, Ed thought. But he knew what to say. "You see, I'm short too. My parents were also short so it's not something I could help. But you don't care about things like that, right, _**Roy?**_"

Roy nodded his head. "Outer appearances aren't important. The important thing is what's inside. But, Erica, you're beautiful in both ways."

The desert came soon, served with ice cream. Ed ate it gracefully, throwing a glance to the Colonel once every time. But the time came where he also began asking questions. "Where do you live Erica?"

Ed was taken by surprise, but he kept his calm. "I live in Central but I came to East City for a little business." He replied, licking his ice cream.

"Do you work?" Roy asked, still unable to take his eyes off Erica that his ice cream begun melting.

"I'm a hairdresser." Ed said continuing to twirl his hair.

When the conversation about hair opened, Roy couldn't resist the question. "Is this your natural hair color?"

"Yes."

"It's the most beautiful hair color I've seen in my whole life." Roy recounted slowly, reaching out and grasping a few locks of Ed's hair in his fingers. "Maybe you really are an angel, Erica." He said as he smelled it and let go.

Ed gritted his teeth and waited for the laughter that rose in his throat to die down. If he was in this position then the rest of the crew must have been laughing their asses off.

"Do your parents live here?" Roy Mustang asked, the ice cream continuing to melt in his bowl while he stared at Ed/Erica.

Ed suddenly lowered his eyes, staring at the dying candle in front of them. "They died in a train accident when I was about five. My aunt took me and raised me. She's also an hairdresser, and I work with her." The lies easily fell from his lips. And just as he thought, Roy Mustang was still captivated as he continued to stare that he didn't notice that Ed/Erica didn't sound honest at all.

"I'm sorry, Erica, but please don't put that sad look on your face. I don't want you to be sad." Roy said, running a finger down Ed/Erica's cheek.

_Get your cold fingers off my face!_

Edward was irritated at the gesture and wanted nothing then to rip the Colonel's arms out of his sockets but he ignored it and smiled, hoping Roy would stop it.

"Roy, what do you say we go to my place after this? A place where we can be _alone…_" Ed whispered the last word, trying to be as seductive as he can.

Roy Mustang blinked, slightly surprised. "We can go to my house if you'd like…" He mumbled.

Ed shook his head no. "Come on _**Roy,**_ you're paying so I might as well do something in exchange." He said, his female voice slightly cracking. He coughed and brushed it off as nothing. To add it to the effect, Ed added: "_**I've got a big bed. Just for the two of us."**_

It took a little while for Roy to understand that Erica meant to have sex. But when he realized, his cheeks turned pink and he lowered his gaze on the half-empty wine bottle in front of him. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it like a fish. "S-sure, if you want me to come to your house then I will, Erica."

Ed winked at Roy, promising himself that he would laugh as much as he wanted when they returned home.

* * *

Roy and Edward/Erica stood in front of the door to Ed and Al's room. Roy placed an arm around Ed's shoulders while he searched for his keys.

"Are you ready, _**Roy?**_" he asked once again.

Colonel Roy Mustang smiled gracefully, happy to have gone out with someone so beautiful.

"Always."

* * *

A/N: AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! I AM EEEVIIIL! Now wasn't that fun? I swear I kept laughing while I wrote the whole thing! Now…poor Roy. BUT I DON'T CARE! AHAHAHA I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THAT AS MUCH AS I DID! I know it was a bit short but there isn't much to talk about, you know? So sorry about that :/

PLEASE REVIEW AND THANKS FOR READING!


	3. Part 3: Curtains

A/N: Hehe, thank you so much for your lovely reviews. I'm glad I was able to make you laugh. Anyways…so here's the last part… Poor Roy. 8D

Enjoy!

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Part 3: Curtains

Ed turned the key with a satisfying click. He hung on for a moment, still hearing the crew trying to contain their laughs. He twisted the door handle and let Roy Mustang enter first while he followed behind.

Roy stared dumbly at the sight in front of him.

Havoc was on the floor, holding his stomach, trying not to laugh. Hawkeye's chuckling got more intense upon seeing the expression on his face. Falman, Breda and Fuery had tear marks all over their face from laughing so much. And Alphonse's loud laughs from the armor echoed all over the room.

There was a flash. Hughes grinned widely and held a camera in his hand.

Colonel Roy Mustang slowly turned his head to Erica.

Edward popped out his contacts and pulled the mask free from his face. "Hello, _**Roy.**_" He said, pronouncing the name in the feminine voice. There stood Edward Elric, the kid who was Erica, the kid that he'd went on a date with. Edward began laughing hysterically, setting the room into another frenzy.

Roy Mustang turned a deeper red than Ed's coat. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. He immediately raised his hands, lunging for Ed's neck. "DAMN IT FULLMETAL!"

Edward tripped on his boots for the first time that day, trying to run away, and fell on the floor. Roy Mustang also tripped and fell on him.

That seemed to set off the room even more. Hughes took another photo while Ed pushed the Colonel off of him and scrambled to the other side of the room.

"_**I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" **_he bellowed, pointing a shaky finger at Edward. He started fishing his pockets for his gloves. He took off his coat and looked everywhere but found none.

"Are you looking for these, _**Roy?**_" Ed asked waving the ignition gloves in his hands. "You gave them to me, remember?"

Havoc hugged Ed tightly. "Thanks chief, I knew you wouldn't let us burn!"

"DAMN IT, STOP SAYING MY NAME!" Roy yelled, irritated at the fact that Ed kept using his first name in a feminine voice. "HOW COULD YOU, YOU LITTLE RABID-"

Hawkeye chuckled, cutting Mustang off. "But, Colonel, sir, isn't you the one who said being short isn't important?"

Breda scooted over to Edward, grabbed his hand and spoke in a dramatic voice. "Outer appearances mean nothing to me. The important thing is what's inside." Havoc came and hugged Ed again. "But, oh, Erica, you're beautiful in both ways."

Everyone began laughing all over again except for Roy Mustang.

"So _**Roy,**_ are you going to give me back my money?" Ed asked, flapping his eyelashes.

"NEVER! Not after what you did!"

"But, Colonel, we warned you. You shouldn't have done that." Falman spoke matter-of-factly.

Roy collapsed onto the sofa and buried his face in his hands. "Damn you all." He mumbled. "I can't believe you did this to me. I'll court-martial you all. And you Elric, just wait till I get my gloves back." threatening them while still shaking with humiliation.

"You wouldn't want to do that to anyone in the room, Colonel." Ed spoke warily. "You're not going to incinerate me, you're going to give me back my money and you're not going to court-martial anyone."

Roy sprang up, everyone around him still laughing. "What's stopping me from doing that, huh?! No one will believe you!"

Ed raised his eyebrows and spoke in a feminine voice. "But, _**Roy,**_ I have this, so everyone will believe me."

Much to everyone's surprise, Ed took out a tape recorder from his pocket. He pressed the button and Roy swallowed his words.

"_You look like an angle, Erica. Your hair's shine could be seen from two blocks away."_

Click.

"_I'll make you warm."_

Click.

"_I wouldn't leave you even if they gave me the worlds."_

Click.

"_I was too mesmerized by your beauty to notice the food. I could stare at you all day and never get bored."_

Click.

"_**Roy,**__ do you mind if I take a look at your ignition gloves? Also it's a very sweet thing you did, lighting up those candles. It's very romantic."_

"_Sure, Erica, anything for you."_

"I never gave them back, remember _**Roy?**_" Ed asked.

Roy put his hands on the both sides of his head. "Stop…"

_Click._

"_They say he's a prodigy. They call him the Hero of the People. What do you think?"_

"_He's really determined. Never lets me down. He always completes his missions and helps people. He's a great kid to have on your side."_

Roy sprang up again but Hughes pushed him back down. "I TAKE THAT BACK!" he yelled while Ed laughed.

Click.

"_It's the most beautiful hair color I've seen in my life, Erica. Maybe you really are an angel."_

Ed snickered. "You should have seen him smelling my hair and staring at my boobs."

"DAMN IT, EDWARD!"

Click.

"_**Roy**__, what d'ya say we go to my place after this? A place where we can be __alone__..."_

"_We can go my house if you'd like."_

"_Come on __**Roy,**__ you're paying so I might as well do something in exchange. __**I've got a big bed, just for the two of us**__."_

"_A-Alright then. Whatever you want, Erica."_

Hughes gave a long whistle.

"A big bed, eh?"

"The chief even had the sexual tone." added Havoc.

"Brother really creamed you, Colonel."

"I think you deserved it." Hawkeye said.

"FINE! FINE, I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR DAMN MONEY! JUST GIVE THAT TO ME!"

"I don't think I will." Ed replied smugly, just like the Colonel did. "Maybe then you'll learn how it feel to have someone blackmailing you."

Roy gritted his teeth, hands clenched at his sides.

"He does have a point, Colonel." Fuery pointed.

"I am one second away from strangling you, Fullmetal."

"Yeah, you should have asked me when you were running your cold fingers down my face. It's very irritating. Brr…" Ed said, taking out the clip on earrings, fake breasts, and the scarf.

"He did that?"

"Woah, I wish I took a picture!"

"EDWAAARD!"

"You know what they say, Colonel. Payback's a bitch." Ed said, going to his suitcase. He put the tape recorder in it and pocketed the key.

Roy Mustang had had enough. He rose from his seat and lunged at Ed. Edward fell on the floor with the Colonel on top of him. Roy put his two hands around Ed's windpipe and shook him without squeezing. Edward's head rattled on the floor but he continued to laugh.

"_**Roy**__, _please don't hurt me, I'm sorry." He said, mockingly. But Mustang just reddened and shook him harder.

"_**Roy**_, please…I'm sorry…"

Roy clamped his hand on Ed's mouth. "Shut up! Just shut up! I'M SORRY, OKAY? **I'M SORRY!** I'll give you your money back! You humiliated me enough, just stop it!" He got up and took a step back, holding his hand out. Ed grabbed his hand, got up and brushed himself.

"Well, well, look how the tables have turned." Ed grinned and gave Roy back his gloves.

"NOO, ED! WE'RE GOING TO DIE, WHY DID YOU?" Havoc yelled, watching at the side.

Surprisingly, Roy didn't incinerate him.

"I'll be there tomorrow, Colonel." He turned around and took a tape recorder out of his pocket. He handed that to the Colonel while the rest of the crew stared dumbly.

"You can have it." He said smugly. "I'll keep the photos." He turned to Mr. Hughes and winked.

But Roy didn't snap and stared at the tape in his hand, wondering why Ed had given it to him.

"Okay, well I guess it's time for you guys to go home now. There's work tomorrow right?"

"Yeah…" murmured Breda.

Some of them sighed, sad that the fun was over, but they got up, taking their coats.

Ed pushed Mustang on the back that he nearly fell over. "I can't let you stay here, Mustang. I don't want to die in my sleep." He said seriously, yet he still had the comical tone in his voice.

Roy pocketed the gloves and the tape and looked up. "I…" he shifted on one foot. "I'm sorry. Even though you had something to use against me, you gave it to me. But I still have something to use against you."

It looked like the night had temporarily erased Colonel Roy Mustang's smugness. "Well, it isn't like you can give your knowledge of us attempting human transmutation." Ed smiled, a true smile this time.

"Uh, yeah…" Roy smiled, wore his coat and went out the door. "Thanks, Ed."

Havoc patted Ed on the back. "Thanks boss. For letting us listen." He giggled.

Edward beckoned them to go away and shut the door. Suddenly, a mischievous smile appeared on his lips. "Never doubt my acting skills." He said and began laughing once again, uncontrollably as he collapsed on the sofa.

"Brother?" Al asked, puzzled at Ed's behavior. "Are you…okay?"

Ed was trying to talk, but he was short of breath. "I…" he stopped again, tears falling down his eyes. "I can't believe he fell for it."

Al gasped. "You didn't-"

"Oh yes, I did."

* * *

Roy Mustang fell on his bed, the exhaustion and humiliating still lingering on him. He put his hand over his forehead and threw a glance at the tape on the counter. Ed had given it to him. He really had.

Roy sat up on the bed and picked it up. He turned it around and stared it for a while before pressing play.

"_Hello, Colonel Bastard. You didn't think I'd give you the actual tape, did you? Well if you did, then you're stupider than I thought. Like I said __**Roy,**__ I'll be there tomorrow to retrieve my money. Have a nice day __**MY LOVE.**__" _The tape ended with a psychopathic laugh.

"EDWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR D!"

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A/N: Yeah. Moral of the story: never mess with Ed. I hope I made you laugh. Aha I'm evil~ MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHA HA! 8D

If you'd like you can check out my new story: When Trust Is Lost. The first chapter is already up, and I'll put up another chapter soon enough. ;D,

PLEASE REVIEW AND THANKS FOR READING!


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